How Did We Get Here?
by deadspacegal
Summary: It was the night before Alec's wedding and Alec was nervous - not just cause of the wedding, but because kissing Lydia would be his first kiss. Part of him had wished his first kiss would be with someone he truly cared for and truly loved. Someone with a little more... testosterone as well. *queue Jace* Main theme: be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.


**Words:** _4,498  
_ **Song:** _Atic - Astrid S_  
 **Description:** _It was the night before Alec's wedding and Alec was nervous - not just cause of the wedding, but because kissing Lydia would be his first kiss. Part of him had wished his first kiss would be with someone he truly cared for and truly loved. Someone with a little more... testosterone as well. *queue Jace*_ _Main theme: be careful what you wish for because you just might get it._

* * *

Alec was nervous.

That was the easiest way to put it. He liked Lydia, he did, she was nice, good at what she did, a hard worker. He should be thrilled to get to work with her. And he was. But he was also terrified. Marriage was a big deal, especially with a person he wasn't really... attracted to. Magnus' words had kept going through his head over and over, about how he would be stuck and miserable, same with Lydia. He didn't want that, but he also had to do his job, he couldn't afford to worry about his own personal desires.

He could put them aside for the greater good.

He had to.

But doubt always came back and he found himself second guessing. He knew what had to be done, he was a Shadowhunter... but a small part of him didn't want to do it. Well, not a small part, more like three quarters of him, or all of him. All of him was a better bet.

Also, at the wedding, Lydia would be his first kiss. He wasn't sure how he felt about that either. The idea of kissing her made him nervous as well as uncomfortable and excited? Excited for the idea of actually kissing someone, but nervous cause he was probably sure he'd mess it up, especially in front of tons of people. And uncomfortable because... well... she was a _she._ Part of him had hoped his first kiss would be with someone he truly cared for and truly loved. Someone with a little more... testosterone as well.

Like Jace.

He threw the thought out just as quickly as it came. No, _no_ he would _not_ go not before his wedding that was happening _tomorrow._ Not only was a relationship between them forbidden because of them being parabatai, but Jace was completely, 110%, unconditionally, straight. It didn't matter how much Alec dreamed, it wouldn't happen. He needed to move on.

Now Magnus... Magnus cared for him, and Alec would be lying if he said he didn't feel anything for the Warlock. Magnus was a mystery, a mystery Alec was tempted to explore, but once again he was conflicted. It was also all the glitter and makeup the man wore – he felt untouchable, out of bounds, it made Alec unsure of how to act. But he wanted to act, he just _wanted so much that he couldn't have._ And it tore him apart bit by bit, until he felt like a mindless drone sent to do one job and one job only. _Nothing gets in the way of the mission_ , was always his moto. But now he had three things that were completely throwing him off tilt, not just his job, but his life. Thoughts of Jace, Lydia and Magnus all battled in his mind like a riot, making his head pound.

Alec groaned, a small headache beginning to build in his temples as he flopped down on his bed. _Ugh, screw feelings, screw emotions, screw all of this._ He pressed his palms into his eyes to try and block everything out just as there was a knock on his door.

Groaning again, but not moving, Alec called out. "Come in."

The moaning of the hinges echoed in his room before he heard a familiar voice. "Hey bro, mom and dad just arrived and they – " Jace's voice cut off randomly. "Are you alright?"

Alec's heart fluttered and his stomach dropped. Jace was the last person he wanted to see right now, especially since right now his thoughts were all over the place. But instead he took a deep breath and dropped his hands from his face, turning his head to look at him. Jace stood on his threshold, a worried expression on his face.

"Hey, yeah I'm fine. Just... thinking."

"Uh oh, I know that tone," Jace closed the door and moved to sit on the bed. "Spill it, what's on your mind."

Alec swallowed. He couldn't just tell him that he was worried about all of this, more importantly that his first kiss would be with Lydia tomorrow. And that he didn't want it to be with her, you don't just bring that kind of stuff up casually.

Alec stared at his ceiling, so plain and white. "Just thinking of... the wedding, I guess."

"Alec," Jace touched his arm. "You don't have to do it if you aren't comfortable. I know you said it was what you wanted, but if there's even a small bit of doubt – "

"It's not that... I mean, it is that, but it's – I –" He covered his face again. "It's something else as well." _I really don't want my first kiss to be with Lydia, but with you._

Jace waited for Alec to continue, but when he didn't Jace urged him on a bit. "Which is? You know you can tell me anything. I meant what I said when we talked earlier, I'm always going to be here for you."

Alec bit his lip, resisting the temptation to just reach out and grab him by his white t-shirt and kiss him right then and there. How many times had he dreamed about doing just that? And Jace was right here, the door was closed, they were alone, it was an emotional night before Alec's wedding. He could blame nerves afterwards, or maybe just run for the hills and leave all this behind him – at least then he wouldn't have to get married. But all of that just seemed childish to him – he was a Lightwood, they broke noses and accepted the consequences. If he did anything foolish, he had to accept the aftershock.

But he didn't... he couldn't – he – Jace was _right there._ Looking at him with those gorgeous golden eyes that Alec had found himself falling in love with since the first moment he saw them. Slowly, he found himself inverting, the same way he always did when he was around Jace for too long with just the two of them. But he couldn't stop the _want_ , it burned under his skin and made him uncomfortable. He couldn't ignore it this time, he couldn't turn it off, lock it up.

Instead of just grabbing the boy beside him, Alec sat up and grabbed one of his pillows, using it as a anchor to grip on to.

"Alec?" Jace touched him again and the touch sent volts of electricity through his body. _Breathe, Lightwood._

Wincing sightly, Alec closed his eyes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. "I've never been kissed." he was surprised when his voice came out super quiet, almost like a whisper.

"What? Say that again," Jace asked, obviously not hearing him.

"I've never been kissed," Alec repeated, clearing his throat awkwardly afterwards. His face felt too hot. "And the wedding – Lydia – it will be my first," He kept his voice low, paranoid that someone might here them.

Jace's eyes softened with understanding. "Alec, hey, it's okay. It's normal to be nervous, I get it, it's a big deal – "

Alec shook his head, "No, no it's not that it's," He sighed, finding it hard to find the right words. Jace gave him a patient smile, letting him know to take his time, there was no rush. "I don't care about that. But I – Lydia... I don't want her to be my first kiss... you know?"

Jace nodded and seemed to ponder this for moment, Alec watching his face go from deep in thought, to confusion, to realization. He smiled and for some reason it made Alec nervous. What was he thinking? Whatever it was Alec was sure it wouldn't be good.

"Well then, how about me?"

Alec frowned. "How about you what?"

Jace rolled his eyes, "How about I be your first kiss?"

Alec's jaw nearly fell through the floor. He couldn't have possibly heard that right, could he? Jace – his parabatai, his brother (but not really because... awkward), his life long crush – offering to kiss him, _him,_ Alec. This had to be a dream, or a joke. "Uh, what? What? You... what?"

"Come on, Alec, it's not a big deal. I mean, it's your first kiss, so it is but if you're uncomfortable with Lydia and a big crowd, then maybe if I kiss you first it won't be so bad. Because you know me, right? You're comfortable with me and we're alone, no one staring. Then I can give you pointers too – think of it like a practice session."

Alec still stared at him. He wasn't believing what he was hearing... He probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights, his eyes felt impossibly wide, and his mouth was still catching flies. He didn't know what to say, what could he say? How do you _respond_ to something like that? Especially since yes, Angel _yes_ , Alec wanted to kiss him, has wanted to kiss him for years and years, he yearned for it. His body was beginning to buzz with nerves.

Jace's face turned unsure by Alec's reaction and silence. "It's up to you, though. You know, I don't want to force you into anything, so if you'd prefer you could – "

Alec kissed him.

He dropped the pillow aswell and reached out – screw the anchor, he was jumping overboard without a life ring.

Jace jumped at the sudden contact, but didn't pull away, instead slowly relaxing and kissing him back. It was awkward, messy and unpracticed, Alec's lips new to the feel of someone elses gliding against his own. It felt foreign, but it also felt good. So good. Their noses bumped a few times, but before too long they got the hang of it.

He was still buzzing, he couldn't believe it. He was _kissing Jace._ Alec let out a small noise, overwhelmed as a spark stirred in his stomach and trailed through his body until it exploded, a massive wave engulfing all of his senses and instantly making him dizzy. His parabatai rune was hot, burning – he felt the heat radiating from his side and searing through his veins, it was unlike anything he had ever felt before and he gasped.

Jace did too, his hand gripping into the denim of Alec's jeans. Wherever they were touching or connected felt like electricity jolting between them with static. It was addicting, but also a lot to handle for ones first kiss – it fogged his mind.

Alec pulled back to catch his breath and Jace moved forwards, chasing his lips before inhaling deeply. Alec knew he felt the vibe too, how could he not? It was everywhere, pulling, forcing them forwards and closer together with invisible strings. Alec tried to resist, even for a little while longer, he needed air.

"That..." Jace started but died out. He didn't know what to say and neither did Alec.

Alec blinked a few times. "I – uh... that was – "

"Probably not a good idea."

"Probably not," Alec murmured. He was unable to break away from their eye contact – everything felt too heavy. Jace just stared at him. Maybe that was why it was forbidden for parabatai to be romantically involved – the tether between them so strong that it made everything overly responsive, heightened all of their emotions and senses. Not only was he feeling his own feelings, but he was also picking up on Jace's.

It was paralyzing.

He was obsessed.

He wanted more.

Almost like reading his mind, Jace grabbed his face and he caught his mouth again, his weight forcing Alec down onto the mattress. Alec knew how to react this time and he let his mouth open under his, his tongue meeting his in a dance. Alec didn't know what was going on, his brain had short circuted long ago, but he didn't want to stop. He _couldn't_ stop and their kisses became harder and hotter.

Jace panted against his mouth and Alec's lips were on fire. He felt Jace everywhere, his body perfectly pressed ontop of his and he knew he was too far gone. He wouldn't be able to get out now, falling and tumbling deeper and deeper into the abyss that was his parabatai.

His hands grabbed at the blonde, gripping his shirt, the back of his neck, before slipping into his hair and tugging on it. It was too much but not enough, his rune still pulsing, making him crazy. He could feel the tight muscles in Jace's body flex every time he moved... it was like he was an alcoholic, drunk on all that was Jace – his pores just leaking pure ethanol.

Alec was all too eager to lick it up.

"Alec," Jace moaned, "We should – nugh – stop. Y-you... _fuck."_ Alec rolled his hips up.

He kissed along his jaw. "Do you want to?" He managed to get out through breathy kisses. If he said yes Alec might die, he was sure he would die.

Jace groaned as Alec bit his lip. "No," And everything got fuzzy after that. Actions were wild, like animals, overrun with the need to be closer, to need more and not long later Alec discovered that somehow his shirt had been pulled off, but Jace's was torn right down the middle – the fabric jagged and hanging limp on his shoulders. Good thing it was just a plain workout t-shirt, it wouldn't be missed. He didn't even remember ripping it.

Jace's chest was heaving and sweaty and Alec hissed, shoving at him and pushing him up until his back hit the headboard, switching their places. The feel of Jace's bare chest on his had lust blasting through his body to settle between his hips.

Jace's hands went to Alec's back, his nails digging into his skin and scratching down his spine. He knew it would leave marks, but he couldn't find it in himself to care, he was overflowing with the feel of Jace, the taste of Jace, the need to have Jace, here, _now_. Just Jace. Jace, Jace, _Jace_. Everywhere. He was in every pore, every breath, every cell of Alec's being.

Suddenly all of it felt like too much. Jace, him, this, his wedding. It was closing in on him like a wall, suffocating. "Wait, Jace -" Alec detached himself, pushed him away and stood up. He wobbled on his legs. "Just stop for a minute." Within seconds he already missed the warmth of Jace's skin. What was he _doing?_ He was getting married tomorrow, to a girl and Magnus...

Shit.

Magnus.

Alec's heart dropped. No, this wasn't right, it wasn't, but it was at the same time. Alec paced his room, rubbing a hand over his face and refusing to look at the boy spread out and looking completely delicious on his bed. He needed a clear head, he couldn't breathe. What was happening?

Everything was spinning, his parabatai rune still aflame as he all but stumbled to his window. He ripped it open and sighed as the wind washed over him. His chest ached.

"Alec," Jace suddenly appeared at his side, a hand going to his shoulder. The touch tingled.

Alec cursed himself, Jace felt so good... Everything he thought and more. How was he supposed to quit now that he had a taste of what it was like? How was he supposed to leave like this never happened? Like it didn't matter, because it did. It mattered so much – to him. He couldn't pretend that it didn't.

Opening his eyes, he looked at Jace and his breath caught. Jace looked... _amazing._ His hair wild and messy from Alec's hands, his cheeks red, eyes bloodshot, skin sweaty. He looked completely ruined. And it was because of Alec.

 _Oh fuck it._

If this was his only shot at having Jace to himself, then he would take it, cherish it, cherish him and make it last as long as he could. He knew that once the night was over, he would go get married, Jace would give him away and everything would go on like it always did. He could live with that as long as he got to have him tonight, even if it was only once and was bound to never happen again. He had to get it out of his system and Jace didn't look like he was going anywhere else any time soon.

So he was selfish, and he took it.

He reached out, ignoring Jace's look of surprise, caught him by the belt loops and pulled. His chest smacked against his and the force sent Alec's back against his book shelf, causing a few novels to tumble to the floor with loud thuds. Jace chuckled slightly, his hands moving to Alec's chest to steady himself. Alec kissed him how he wanted to, easing his mouth open with his and pulling moan after moan from his throat with the swipe of his tongue.

Jace's destroyed shirt finally was starting to bother him, so he shrugged it off and dropped it to the floor.

"You know," Jace said when Alec broke away from his lips to attach himself to his neck. "If this is what we were missing out on, we should have done this a long time ago." He let out a breathy whimper when Alec bit into his skin before licking over it to ease the sting.

Alec groaned, kissing lower, suckling on his collarbone. "Don't even joke about that, Jace." Sinking to his knees, Alec kissed a scorching path down Jace's stomach, one hand gripping his hip while his other reached up to rub across his pecs. Jace grabbed his hand. He loved how Jace's body felt, hard muscle under soft skin, he loved the dips and bumps, he loved it all.

Without warning, he pulled his lips back and bit down, running his teeth down Jace's abs.

" _Shit_..." Jace said, rolling his head back and hissing as Alec's mouth found his parabatai rune. His kisses sent firey pulses through his already sweating body and his fingers went straight into Alec's hair, gripping it tight. He felt weak, every limb shaking and tingling.

Alec took his time, sucking and licking at the skin, pulling the blood to the surface until a nice red welt was swelling right beside the rune. Jace almost forgot that this was Alec's first kiss. It could have fooled him, it seemed his parabatai jumped right past the novice stage and went straight to expert.

Alec's skilled fingers had popped open the button to Jace's jeans and pulled down the zipper before Jace could even blink. It must be the archer reflexes, so quick, deft and sturdy – latching onto it's target and never missing because in one swift movement, Jace felt like he was going to black out. Alec didn't even hesitate before taking Jace's erection into his hand semi-awkwardly and stroking him. Jace swore and one of his hands moved from Alec's hair to grip a shelf on the book rack, he's knees threatening to buckle.

Alec was far from perfect, his movements jerky and unsure, but damn he had passion. His eyes burned deep into Jace's, not breaking eye contact as he leaned closer and pressed a kiss to his head.

Jace found it so _hot._ He was never into other guys and he wasn't sure when he started feeling this way, but seeing his parabatai on his knees in front of him did things to his insides.

Alec kept pumping him as he pressed open mouthed kisses to Jace's hips, his warm breath making the other man shiver.

"You're going to be the death of m - _ah!_ "

Alec's mouth engulfed him as deep as he could go – which wasn't even halfway, but still, Jace was impressed and utterly turned on. He resisted the urge to thrust into Alec's throat and Alec must have felt it too because the hand on his hip was pushing him back slightly, holding him still. A few times Jace had to tell him to watch for his teeth, but that was all. Alec was a pro, his tongue flattening under his shaft, running along the vein.

Desire kept building higher and higher in his stomach to the point he was shaking, his breathing coming out in sharp pants. Alec moved faster, licking, pulling and twisting until Jace was basically boneless and on the brink of a meltdown.

"Alec, y-you have to stop or I'm gonna – " He didn't have time to finish his sentence as Alec threw him over the edge with a hum and a lick across his slit. Jace let out a silent scream, his mouth pressed into his shoulder as he released himself, unaware that Alec's mouth was still wrapped around him until he managed to open his eyes. The sight he saw nearly caused him to go erect again, tingles in his stomach. Alec pulled off of him and _swallowed,_ his adam's apple bobbing, his tongue darting out to lick away the small dribble of cum from the corner of his mouth.

"Fuck, Alec..."

Alec smirked and starting at the v of Jace's hips, licked a solid line all the way up Jace's torso and chest, up the vein in his neck to nip at his jaw. His skin was salty from the sweat. Jace breathed heavily, turning his face to catch Alec's bottom lip between his teeth. He tasted himself on his mouth but it didn't disgust him like it usually did with his girls – everything about this was just so outrageously confusing and arousing. He wasn't sure how to feel.

Sighing, Jace leaned his head back, closing his eyes. When he came to check on Alec, he wasn't expecting anything like _that_ to have happened, he was exhausted – it didn't help that his parabatai rune was still flaming as well.

"So... how was I? Any pointers?" Alec asked, running his hand over Jace's bicep, a smile on his face.

He couldn't find his voice so he just mumbled. "Mm..."

Alec laughed, pressing a small kiss under his ear just as there was a knock on the door. Both boys froze, stomach's dropping through the floor and Alec pulled away quickly, his heart leaping into his throat. He turned his head to look at his bedroom door, a knock coming again.

"Alec?" Izzy called out. "Are you in there?"

Alec cursed, this wasn't good. If Izzy found out... no, no, no. Izzy was not going to find out, he could handle this, he just needed to get rid of Jace. He glanced at the window – no, it was too far down, Jace would probably fall and break his neck. Under the bed was too tight, he'd never fit. His eyes then fell on his closet and he all but shoved Jace towards it.

"Get in the closet," Alec urged quietly.

Jace glared. "What? Are you serious, man?"

"Alec? Are you alright?" Izzy asked from behind the door. "I heard noises."

Alec cursed again, looking at all the books laying on his floor and his bedsheets completely didn't look too suspicious... right?

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. Just... just give me a second," He called out and turned back to Jace, a panic look in his eyes. "Please, just get in the closet. I'll make it up to you sometime – I'll do your nightly rounds for a month just _please_ , go in there. Go!"

With a huff, Jace obliged and Alec patted his hair before opening the door. Izzy stood there a worried expression on her face turning to confusion as she took in her brothers appearance. He was shirtless and red in the face and probably looked like a complete wreck. _Well... that was awkward._

"Hey, what's up?" Alec tried casually though he swore he was moments from a heart attack. A massive lump was in his throat.

Izzy raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay? What are you doing in there? I heard lots of grunts and things falling."

"Hmm? Oh, ah, I – I was changing." He wanted to hide, this was mortifying. He could almost picture Jace rolling his eyes from the closet. _That's the best you could come up with?_

"Really?" She looked unconvinced. "You look like you just ran a marathon. And what the hell Alec, your room is a mess."

Okay, now he wanted to die. He tried his best to shield her view with his body. "I was changing... enthusiastically? You know clothes, it's always so hard to find proper things to wear..." Death was coming for him, he was sure of it now. "And mine are all, uh, really tight so... you know, pulling them off is, um, difficult." _That's it, you're done._ _You don't even wear tight clothes you moron._ _Just shut up now before things get worse._

Izzy was giving him a weird look and he saw the gears clicking in her head, it made him nervous. He didn't like when she did that.

He swallowed, crossing his arms over his chest. "So, yeah... uh, what do you want? Do you need anything?"

Izzy straightened. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, mom and dad just came back from Idris for the wedding tomorrow, they wanted to go over a few things with you. Apparently they sent Jace to tell you, but neither he or you showed up. Did he come talk to you?"

"No... nope, I haven't seen him." _Actually he's in my closet._ "Maybe he got sidetracked?" _Wow what a lie, good thing you aren't a Seelie or else this whole thing would have taken a completely different turn. A turn for the worst and most embarrassing._

"Hm, that's weird. Alright, well, I'm telling you now – mom and dad want to talk to you. They're kind of prickly right now so I wouldn't keep them waiting," Izzy pointed at him. "And I wouldn't recommend showing up like that, it doesn't leave much to the imagination about what you were doing in your room... by yourself." She winked.

Alec blushed so hard he was sure there was no other blood anywhere else in his body. "N-no, no, I wasn't..." He gestured to his room and himself. "That wasn't what – Izzy!"

She burst out into laughter as she walked away. "Don't worry I won't tell. After all, you were only _changing_ right?"

Alec slammed his door closed and groaned, resting his forehead against the wood. He breathed deep... how did he get here? In this situation? He heard the closet door open behind him and his heart thumped into overdrive – now came the real issue. Reality crashing back over him like a brick wall. Now came his choices and instead of two to make – Magnus or Lydia – he now had three.

Jace.

This just got a whole lot more complicated... the world just loved messing with him. No matter who he chose, he was going to hurt the others. Couldn't anything be easy for him for once in his life?

Gathering some courage, Alec exhaled in a rush and turned around.

 _Let's get this over with..._


End file.
